


No other love (English Version)

by TeamSharma



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamSharma/pseuds/TeamSharma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First of all, I have to apologize. A few days ago I uploaded this little story in my own language because I thought I could never do this beautiful movie/book justice anyway, and even less in a foreign language. But when some of you started to use the Google translator I decided that even a bad “personal” translation by me would probably be better than any Google translator. So here I am with the story in English which probably sounds a bit weird sometimes. Besides, I had to simplify it a lot so that I was able to translate it and I’m really grateful to Ligeria who had volunteered to beta read the translation. Thank you so much, Ligeria!</p>
            </blockquote>





	No other love (English Version)

**Author's Note:**

> _First of all, I have to apologize. A few days ago I uploaded this little story in my own language because I thought I could never do this beautiful movie/book justice anyway, and even less in a foreign language. But when some of you started to use the Google translator I decided that even a bad “personal” translation by me would probably be better than any Google translator. So here I am with the story in English which probably sounds a bit weird sometimes. Besides, I had to simplify it a lot so that I was able to translate it and I’m really grateful to Ligeria who had volunteered to beta read the translation. Thank you so much, Ligeria!_

”Excuse me, ma’am. May I help you?” An unknown male voice tore Therese back to reality and she turned to the impatient waiter who made an unambiguous gesture to indicate that she was standing in the middle of the aisle. 

”The lady is with us,” Carol explained before Therese could get back her voice. ”If you’d be so kind to bring us another chair, sir…” Carol‘s attitude was calm and matter-of-fact, as if she didn’t have anything to do with the turmoil that was raging inside of Therese. 

”Of course, ma‘am.“ The waiter, a tall, elderly man with grey temples nodded at Carol and headed quickly for the other side of the room where several chairs were hidden behind a curtain. 

“Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Therese Belivet, a good friend of mine.” Carol waved Therese closer to the table. “Therese, these are Mr. Sherman and Mr. and Mrs. Perkovich. They own the furniture store where I will start working shortly.”

“Good evening, Miss Belivet. How do you do?“ Mr. Sherman, the younger one of the two men, rose from his chair and reached out his hand towards her. “Please, feel free to join us.”

The other two guests also greeted Therese politely and did their best to not make her feel as if she had interrupted their conversation. Nonetheless, Therese felt like an intruder while she was standing at the table, waiting for her chair and forcing all the employees to walk around her. She cast a nervous glance at Carol, who seemed to be having a stimulating conversation with Mr. Sherman. The radiant smile that had welcomed Therese at the restaurant only minutes ago had disappeared from her face as if it had never been there and Therese tried to regain the Carol that had sat with her earlier at the _Ritz_. Without any facade, without any insignificant gestures. It didn't really work because Carol was right there in front of her, smiling and chatting and laughing at Mr. Sherman’s jokes.

Finally the chair arrived and Mrs. Perkovich moved over a little bit to make some space between herself and her husband. “Please, sit down, dear,” she said to Therese and gave her an almost patronizing smile. “The men only talk about furniture anyway,” she added with a scoffing glance at her spouse.

“We always get into shop talk when we meet,” Mr. Sherman apologized to Therese. He was probably around Carol’s age and Therese noticed that he didn’t wear a wedding band. “You need to know, Miss Belivet, that we’ve known each other for a very long time now. We cooperated quite closely a few years ago when Mrs. Aird owned a furniture shop with Miss Gerhard, and I had always regretted that we didn’t stay in touch after they had sold the shop.“ He raised his glass to Carol. “When Mrs. Aird called us a while ago we didn’t hesitate and are happy to have won her over.”

The high-pitched clink of the glasses hurt Therese’s ears. Shouldn’t she be happy for Carol for finding a nice job and being surrounded by people she got along with? All Therese could think about was that she wished every single person in this room was at the moon, and Carol’s friends first and foremost. 

How could Carol say what she had said at the _Ritz_ and now sit here as if nothing had happened? What kind of a stupid idea was it anyway to invite her to a place where they couldn’t really talk? Considering this, she began to wish she had stayed at that boring party. Therese felt anger rising inside of her and she could feel a wall building slowly, pushing between herself and the other people, growing higher bit by bit and starting to dissociate her from the world. 

“Therese?”

Therese winced when she heard Carol saying her name. The familiar sound hit her to the core and when she lifted her eyelids, she got caught in Carol’s scrutinizing look like an insect in a spider web. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes.”

Carol nodded imperceptibly and for a split second, invisible to everybody else, something flashed in Carol’s eyes. Therese couldn’t say what it was but it was enough to change everything. All of a sudden, the room appeared lighter and nicer and Therese straightened her back to get a better view of the people around her. They actually weren’t unlikeable if she condoned their obvious smugness. 

“Miss Belivet works at the New York Times, by the way,” Carol told Mrs. Perkovich. The pride in her voice was unmistakable and her comment had indeed an amazing effect. Suddenly all eyes turned to Therese.

“Really?” Mrs. Perkovich asked, intrigued. “That’s probably quite exciting, isn’t it?”

“Do you write articles?” her spouse wanted to know.

“Then you meet a lot of well-known people, don’t you?“ Mr. Sherman asked almost at the same time. 

Therese shook her head. “No, I don’t write articles, I’m working there as a photographer.” 

”So you are an artist?” It was obvious that Therese had just risen several degrees in Mrs. Perkovich’s esteem. ”That’s wonderful.”

“No, not all,” Therese corrected her modestly. “At a newspaper it’s all about speed and which picture represents the article best.” 

“Believe me, Mrs. Perkovich, she is an artist.” Carol took a cigarette from her etui and pushed it between her lips. “I’ve seen some of her pictures.” 

Therese involuntarily closed her eyes at the familiar click of Carol’s lighter. An ocean of images immediately soared up inside of her, from a long bygone time, when she had felt truly happy for the first time in her life. Deep, pure happiness. 

With an inconspicuous move, Therese shook her head to chase away the memories and answer Mrs. Perkovich’s question about the motives of her photographs. Yesterday, she had still believed that the Carol chapter had been closed once and for all, sealed and buried in the depths of her soul. And now she was sitting here, seeing the familiar gestures, hearing the familiar voice that she had missed like nothing else in this world for such a long time. It felt unreal that Carol was actually here and not only a deceiving aberration of her mind. 

“What exactly happens in a newspaper room?” Mr. Sherman leant closer to Therese and looked curiously at her through his thick glasses. “It’s hard to imagine working at a hectic place like that.” 

So Therese tried to explain the daily routine at the New York Times and she noticed, surprised, that she liked to talk about her work. Carol‘s friends seemed to hang on Therese‘s every word and asked a lot of questions that sometimes she herself hadn’t considered. But the others seemed to be quite satisfied with her answers and apparently enjoyed the animated conversation.

Carol herself barely participated in the conversation but Therese knew that she listened to her very carefully. She sat on her chair, leaning back, and puffed circular billows of smoke into the air at irregular intervals that got lost in the space like tiny little ghosts. Her gaze was lowered, as if something kept her from looking at Therese, but there was a quiet smile around her lips that Therese knew all too well. 

“I think I will read the New York Times differently tomorrow morning,” Mr. Perkovich declared with a chuckle and turned to Carol. “Usually we don’t think much about stuff like that, do we?” 

“Yes, that’s true. It was an inspiring evening”, Carol agreed. “I really should go now, though. It’s getting late…“

“Oh my God, it’s almost midnight.” Mrs. Perkovich looked at her watch in shock. “We should leave too, Charles,” she warned her spouse. ”You won’t get out of bed tomorrow morning otherwise.”

“Yes, I know.” Mr. Perkovich obediently put his hat on his sparse hair. “This has been such a nice evening. You should bring along your young friend again sometime, Carol.”

“You’d better ask her herself,” Carol responded with a smile and gave the waiter a sign that she wished to have the check. 

It took a while until the last beverages were paid and all of them stood in front of the _Oak Room_ smoking a last cigarette. “You are a remarkable woman, Miss Belivet,” Mr. Sherman stated, bowing slightly. “If you need a ride home …“

“That won’t be necessary.” Carol angled for her car key in her hand bag. ”My car is right around the corner.”

“I see, you’re taken care of.” Mr. Sherman tapped at his hat and gave Therese a charming smile. ”See you next time.”

”Yes, maybe.” Therese smiled back, hoping that her gesture didn’t evoke too much hope. 

As soon as the others were out of reach, Carol leaned back on the exterior wall of the restaurant, exhausted, and exhaled deeply. ”I’m sorry, Therese. I didn’t expect the evening to get that late.” 

“That’s all right.” Therese pulled up her shoulders, shivering, and looked at her shoes. Earlier at the restaurant, time had stretched like an oversized piece of chewing gum, and now that they were finally alone, she felt like an actress missing her cue. There were so many conflicting impulses inside of her that she couldn’t decide which one she should follow. 

The quiet click of the lighter indicated that Carol lit up another cigarette and when Therese looked up she saw that Carol’s hand was slightly trembling. She took a deep drag of her cigarette before she blew the smoke up above the clear night air of New York City. For a while, they silently stood next to each other, the quietness not unpleasant. 

“Thank you for coming,” Carol said eventually and stubbed out the cigarette butt with the sole of her shoe. “I left my car at the next cross street.”

On the way to Carol’s car a bunch of well-dressed couples passed them who had apparently just visited a theatre play nearby. Therese knew the schedule by heart and was pretty sure it had been ”Much Ado About Nothing“. Her whole life she had been fascinated by the theatre but she only started seeing plays at different places since she had gotten the job at the New York Times. 

The first few times Dannie had accompanied her but Therese found out quickly that people had the tendency to talk everything to death afterwards, and she rather liked to keep her impressions to herself, letting them all sink in. So the last few times she had gone alone, like she often preferred to do things on her own. Except back then, when she had met Carol Aird. With Carol, everything had felt differently. More intense. More beautiful. More alive. Until that day, when she had left Therese and nothing but emptiness had remained.

Four months had passed since then. Four months, in which Therese hadn’t tried anything else but breathing and surviving. But, almost imperceptibly and very slowly, something had grown out of this pain. She wasn’t the young naïve girl anymore, who adored Carol and wanted to be just like her. She had her own life now and she felt right in it. She knew who she was and what she wanted and also what she didn’t want. 

But then somebody had given her a letter at the editorial office. Therese couldn’t believe that this had happened only hours ago. Since then, everything had gotten mixed up and none of the bricks seemed to fit together anymore. Carol didn’t belong to the life that Therese had now. She belonged to a different time and to a different Therese. Still, she had accepted Carol’s invitation to the _Ritz_ and still, she had left a party with friends to run to the _Oak Room_ as fast as her legs could take her. Not because she had changed her mind, but because she couldn’t help herself. The pull towards Carol was still stronger than she herself. 

Seeing Carol at the _Ritz_ had hit her like a rock and for a quick second, she had felt the impulse to hurl everything at her that she had caused back then. But it was neither the right place nor the right time for that. Nonetheless, Therese had been determined to move on from Carol once and for all and she had hoped that the meeting could help her with that. And then Carol had said all those incredible things. And Therese had felt more and more like a ship on the high sea that was being buffeted by the waves again and again. Who knew where it might have led them if Jack hadn’t interrupted. 

Therese took a side glance at Carol who looked strictly at the pavement and nervously ran her fingers through her hair every now and then. How fragile she seemed today. Carol wasn’t the same either. 

When they arrived at the parking spot, Carol opened the car door and both women shivered involuntarily as soon as they sat down on the cold leather. Silently, Carol started the engine but shut it off again immediately. “Why did you come back, Therese?”

 _Because it has always been you and it will always be._ Therese had the words on the tip of her tongue but pushed them back and turned to Carol. In the sallow streetlight her face looked pale and tired. “Will you show me your apartment?”

“All right.” Carol started the engine again without another word, and shortly afterwards they were driving through the night like months ago on the journey that had changed Therese’s life forever. 

About ten minutes later, they stopped in front of a brown brick stone building on Madison Avenue. “The apartment is on the seventh floor, but there’s an elevator.” Carol leant over the steering wheel and pointed with her finger at something in the darkness above them. “The bedroom has a nice view of Central Park.”

Therese tried to follow Carol’s finger but the higher floors were barely visible in the darkness. “How many rooms does it have?” Therese could only guess how painful it must have been for Carol to move from an imposing house at the country side to a small apartment in the middle of New York City. 

“Five.” Carol shut the car door and moved over to Therese to close the passenger door as well. ”You will like it.”

Therese wasn’t sure if the shutting door had made her mishear Carol’s words. “Five rooms?” What did Carol want with five rooms?

But Carol’s nodding proved that Therese hadn’t heard her wrongly. “A large living/dining room, a bedroom, one room for Rindy, one for me, one for…“ Carol let the rest of the sentence dangle in the air. “And there’s a pretty big storage room that would be perfect for…. maybe a darkroom.” 

Therese started at her, bewildered, but Carol was already busy fishing her keys from her hand bag. Had she already thought of her during the apartment-hunting? Only now did it dawn on Therese that Carol didn’t intend to ever leave her again. There wasn’t a single back door anymore that she had left open. Carol did want to live with her. The realization made her knees weak and she leant against the door frame to steady herself. 

_A bedroom_ , Carol’s word’s echoed in her ear. She only needed to say yes, then she could fall asleep with Carol every night and wake up with her every morning. Without regrets. Without unwelcome witnesses. A home of their own, just for the two of them. 

“Aren’t you afraid that Harge will take Rindy from you ultimately, if… “Therese didn’t dare to complete the sentence.

“Yes.” Carol opened the ornate iron door with a swing and led Therese inside. “But I won’t let Harge dictate my life anymore.”

“Carol…“ Therese stopped in the middle of the hallway. It was impossible. She couldn’t be the reason for Carol losing her daughter again. “Wait …“

But Carol refused to accept her hesitation. “Come on, slowpoke,” she called and waved Therese towards the elevator. “Isn’t it a beautiful hallway? Wait until you’ve seen the apartment.”

Carol’s nervousness seemed to have made way for an impatient anticipation and it was difficult not to become infected by it. Suddenly, she looked like her little daughter when she wanted to show her mother something and didn’t put up with any delay. “Home Sweet Home,” Carol stated when she unlocked the door and invited Therese in with a graceful gesture. 

“It’s not finished yet. There’s still a lot to do, unfortunately.”

The apartment was indeed big, with beautiful, bright rooms, high windows and a dark wooden floor. The unfurnished room that Carol had thought to be Therese’s was at the back side and offered a beautiful view of the trees of Central Park. Right next to it was the smaller, blue wallpapered bedroom with white curved art nouveau furniture and an almost frightening big double bed in the middle. 

Therese walked silently from one room to the next, so overwhelmed by it all that she was at a loss of words. This was where she was supposed to live? Together with Carol? Could she really be serious? 

“The rooms look a lot nicer in the daylight,” Carol explained when Therese admired the green tiles of the big ceramic furnace in the living room. “So, what do you say?”

“It’s perfect.”

“Come with me, I’m gonna show you the storage room.” Carol grabbed Therese‘s elbow and led her to the other end of the apartment. “There are still piles of boxes and some furniture,” she warned when she opened the door. “But you can already tell if it would be appropriate.” Carol fumbled for the light switch next to the door frame and it took her a while to find it in the darkness. “Provided that ... you want to,” she added quietly.

Indeed, there were piles of boxes everywhere but like Carol had said the room was surprisingly spacious and the thought alone that this could possibly be a darkroom one day made Therese’s heart beat faster. 

“Disappointed?” Carol asked when Therese didn’t say anything. 

“It’s beautiful.” Therese shook her head to verify she wasn’t dreaming. ”Everything is beautiful.” 

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the last bit of tension leave Carol’s body. She leant against the door frame and gave Therese a radiant smile that could have powered the entire city with electricity. “So?”

Therese spun around and slowly let the walls fly past like in a roundabout. The entire apartment was a dream. It hadn’t been long ago when she had longed for nothing more than to be with Carol forever. But since then, a lot of things had changed and they couldn’t pretend that nothing had happened. She wasn’t the same person, and Carol wasn’t the same one either. She loved Carol, she knew that. But would that be enough? They had to get to know each other again, discover each other and see if it would work. Her own parents were the warning example that love sometimes wasn’t enough to live with each other. 

Therese looked over at Carol, who was still standing in the door frame, but the smile had disappeared from her face, and suddenly she turned around and left the room. 

“Carol …“ Therese rushed after her before she could close the door behind herself. 

Carol had walked over to the window and stared downwards at the lights of Madison Avenue. “You can’t forgive me, can you?“ She lit a cigarette and threw the lighter carelessly onto an armchair. Slightly shaking her head, she brushed an unruly strand of blond hair from her forehead, a gesture that was so like her that it brought tears to Therese’s eyes. ”I can’t blame you.”

“Carol …“ 

“I should have …“ Carol paused and took a deep drag of her cigarette. “I’m sorry, Therese …“ With both hands on the window sill, Carol freed her feet from her tight shoes and stretched her back when her body seemed to exhale. Like a Greek statue, she stood there and stared fixedly at the brightly illuminated Madison Avenue as if nobody else was in the room. Involuntarily, an image rushed into Therese’s mind that Carol had already stood there many times, just like now, alone and deep in her thoughts. 

Therese couldn’t see Carol’s face but her posture revealed so much restrained pain and loneliness that it broke Therese’s heart. Carol had lost everything. Her home, her social contacts, her daughter, and Therese. While she herself had been busy hating Carol for her betrayal, Carol’s whole life had collapsed like a house of cards, and Therese had to admit to herself that she hadn’t really considered how much Carol had suffered, too. Carol, who could just leave her. Carol, who didn’t bother to even say goodbye. Carol, who could just put down the receiver when she called. But was this the whole truth? Actually, Therese didn’t know anything about what Carol had gone through. 

Following a spontaneous impulse, Therese walked to the window and silently put her arms around Carol’s shoulders. She felt a brief tremor in Carol’s upper body; apart from that, everything stayed quiet. 

Only the regular ticking of the grandfather clock was audible when Therese wrapped her arms more tightly around Carol’s body. She could feel Carol’s ribcage rising and falling under her arms and she instinctively closed her eyes when the familiar fragrant of Carol’s perfume reached her nostrils and made her dizzy. By themselves, her fingers gently pushed the golden hair aside and her lips kissed the white neck. 

Finally, Carol started to move and she turned around to face Therese. “Don’t you know that I need you?”

Everything became blurred in Therese when she sank into Carol’s gaze. Carol’s eyes, so close to her, seemed to be bluer than ever, and as if magically drawn to it, Therese kissed the red mouth. Carol’s lips tasted salty of tears but much more like Carol. And all of a sudden a crack went right through Therese and deep inside of her a space opened up that she had considered long closed. And in a flash everything was back again. Carol’s scent, Carol’s hands, Carol’s sighing at her ear. “Carol,” she whispered, just to say and hear the name. “Carol …”

She heard Carol breathing hard under her kisses and Therese sank deeper and deeper into a whirl of lips and skin and Carol. “My angel,” Carol whispered and her words tore the last curtain away as if the last four months hadn’t existed. Even though so much had happened, even though both of them had changed, she was still Therese, and Carol was still Carol and would always be. 

 

* * *

 

A pert shaft of sunlight had sneaked past the curtain and tickled Therese’s nose. Still in a semi-conscious state she turned to the other side and felt Carol’s arm lying on her hip. 

Carol.

Therese blinked carefully to check if she was indeed not dreaming. Dazed with sleep, she noticed that her clothing was spread all over the bedroom floor and, with the sight of them, her memories of last night promptly came back. It had been like a frenzy, like a roaring wave that had carried them away together. Everywhere there had only been Carol. All senses only found her, all thoughts were only related to her. And eventually, Therese had stopped fighting and let go completely. 

But when the space inside eventually opened up, when the gates gave in and the emotions broke through, everything was there at once - even what had been locked-up for so long. And in the moment of highest happiness and bliss, Therese was overcome with such sobbing that she couldn’t stop anymore. And Carol had held her in her arms and whispered quiet words in her ear, until both of them had finally fallen asleep. 

A quick glance at Carol’s alarm clock indicated that Therese had to get up in half an hour. She didn’t feel the slightest desire to leave this place, but the idea that she could check how much time it would take from here to the New York Times made her pulse beat faster. Maybe soon this would be her new trip to work. 

Therese turned to Carol and got lost in watching the regular, calm breaths. How beautiful she was. No poet could ever do her justice, no portrait would ever be able to catch her true essence. But nevertheless, Therese would never stop trying, now that Carol was back in her life. If only she had her camera at hand right now to capture Carol’s image for eternity.

Both of them would still have to learn a lot, about each other and from each other. The big challenges were yet to come. Rindy, Harge, Abby. Their life together, their different circles of friends, the normal everyday life. Who could know about them and who couldn’t? What could they say and what did they have to conceal? What would happen if Harge realized that they were actually together? Therese feared the worst, but she was determined to do everything in her power so that Carol could see her daughter regularly. 

The alarm clock’s hand rushed forward and Therese bent closer to Carol, gently brushing a blond curl from her forehead to kiss her temple. The soft touch provoked a quiet sigh, but Carol kept her eyes closed. “Good morning,” she whispered, drugged with sleep. She sought Therese’s hand. “What time is it?”

“I have to leave in twenty minutes and you in forty-five.”

“Damn,” Carol murmured as she pulled Therese closer towards her. She made a satisfied sound when their bodies touched at length and Therese buried her face deeply into Carol’s hair. When people talked about heaven on earth this had to be what they meant. Paradise was right here, in Carol’s arms, at this exact moment. 

“What are you thinking, dearest?” Carol whispered in her ear. “Tell me.”

“I’m thinking of Heaven and Paradise and that I love you.”

A quiet smile flitted across Carol’s face and she kissed Therese’s earlobe. “Will you come back tonight?”

Therese closed her eyes when Carol’s hand softly cupped her breast and lingered there. It was absurd to go anywhere else than to Carol. “Yes,” she responded, and since she wasn’t sure that she had actually said it aloud she repeated. “Yes, I will come back.” 

Carol exhaled and loosened their embrace. She took Therese’s face in both of her hands and looked so seriously at her that Therese got scared. “I love you,” she whispered and a silent tear shimmered in the corner of her eye when she bent slowly to Therese. “I love you.”

And exactly at that moment, Therese felt that something inside of her moved finally to its place. Nothing could be more right than this. No place was more perfect than this one. Whatever would happen, wherever life would take them, she was ready.


End file.
